Mother Hubbard's Cupboard

A look into the mind of one of the most random, crazy people in all the land.

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Location: East Peoria, Illinois, United States

A Lutheran seminarian eagerly awaiting the return of Our Lord. Soli Deo Gloria!

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Nice Catch Blanco Nino, But To Bad Your Ass Got Saaaaaaacked..........Ahahargh

Well, I'm irritable (same reason from Tuesday with some other minor things thrown into the mix). I'm on the mend though, not as mad and really I just needed time to be mad. As one get's over being mad they start to experience a few other is depression and sadness over being so mad at something that you shouldn't. If the real person wronged doesn't care about it at all, then neither should you unless it's really destructive towards said person.

A quick word of warning....this post will be long and you'll have to pay attention, but you'll get a LOT out of it I hope. You'll get a look at more of what I think about dating and about what girls want in dating and also see both why dating and just friends in general are important to me and why they should be important to you as well. First of all, I'd like to say that even though I'll try to be comprehensive, I'm not a master of communication of the female of the species....I think I'd be very happy and successful with that special someone if I were. In other words, comments are more than welcome (at least it let's me know you read or care about my thoughts at all).

For starters, let's look at the Nice Guy vs. Jerk dating situation. I know many girls and guys out there are very content and happy and that's nice...HOWEVER, for those many of us who are still single, this is still important. I'll admit, when I was more naieve in high school I thought that the system would change and one day girls would wake up and think, "I know what I want now! I want someone who cares for me as a person...not as a sex object. I want a guy who fights when he has to for me but not because he sees me as his but he sees himself as mine. I want a guy who I can trust who will be able to bear his feelings to me and not feel immasculated as a result." But then I went to college and grew up and realized most girls just don't (grow up). Most girls still don't know what they want or they treat life and dating as a game where they think they can take on a project and change a jerk to a desired guy type. What these "silly girls" don't realize is that; 1. You need to have your priorities about relationships straight and realize that you're getting older. 2. You might end up with a guy who's a jerk and end up getting married to a guy who treats you like shit. Perhaps this is a reason why divorce rates are increasing.....girls are not instructed by anyone that they should settle down until they reach ~ 25-30 (and realize they made a booboo), they're instead told that sexual fulfillment of yourself is the ultimate goal. [WARNING: POLITICAL STUFF FOLLOWS] Most liberals seem to decry the idea to increase funding for abstinence to be taught more in sexual education classes for high school....WHY!? To teach safe sex with few partners isn't bad but it seems to show kids that as long as your safe when your sexually fulfilled it's fine....regardless of the relationship issues and turmoil that usually result (I've been told by more than one friend in high school that having sex killed their relationship). These kids are not ready but they aren't taught how to grow up and mature in any manner more than sexually. As a result, girls get most of their social influences from friends who get it from the media which tells them that what they learn about sexual fulfillment is good and that in order to get it they need to behave a certain way or act a certain way to guys. Guys on the converse side are told to not only look macho but to act like it in ways that are decidedly unmacho. Girls are shown as sex objects and the guys are shown as the auctioners who want a peice of ass for a living blow up doll rather than a relationship with a living breathing person who is someone's child (and hence pride and joy). And finally, 3. when you reach college age girls don't realize that the assholes (jerks) have been working for years and so have a lot of experience with using girls.....who still apparently want "projects" involving psychological change of the guy....WE'RE TOO PIGHEADED TO CHANGE LIKE THAT!

There was once a nice guy scale (written by a mid 20s woman I might add) that appeared in the Peoria Journal Star one week, and I loved it! She perfectly described the situation faced by nice guys, jerks, and people in between. On a scale from 1 to 10 (and being cynical and sarcastic as hell), she would say things like, "Nice guy level 10: Goes to church, is nice to his mom, will think the world of you, may not be physically gorgeous, usually intelligent....AVOID AT ALL COSTS." Now I know girls don't wake up in the morning and think to themselves "I'm going to date the disciple of Snoop Dogg," but damnit they end up doing it! Why? Maybe because they don't know what they want (hey, enough girls have told me this is true so I've got evidence for it) and so are led more by their feelings and biological chemical signals than by their logic or moral compass. The men on the other hand are usually predictable, and here are some guidelines (yes there are exceptions to everything) for you. Now I know some people might seem like nice guys till you date them and then they turn into jerks, but that's why you date them, then break up with them don't screw 'em the first night out. The jerk is usually very physically attractive, athletic, seems intelligent and insightful at first glance, and very sociable with women. However, here's what you get when you date him (after all, he was nice to hook you, cause rather than being another fish in the sea he wants to get to know better to live his life with, you're the fish he hooks...i.e. the meat); you get a cheapskate who suggests dutch treat on everything....even romantic OBVIOUS DATES (if you guys are just "going out" not even dating seriously than dutch is expected unless the guy offers to pay...otherwise the girl might get a wrong impression so the guy should offer and if he's told no he should respect that choice from the girl), you get an overly physical guy who might want to go farther than you want to faster than you want to, you get a guy who constantly checks other girls out, you get a guy who wears enough cologne to make Oscar the Grouch smell good, you get a guy who cheats on everything and does well enough to just skate on by, you get a guy who's so self-centered that he'll never alter his plans or cancel on his friends for you (as the girlfriend you'd still be expected to reciprocate this behavior.....sometimes cancel a date with your friends to go out with your boyfriend), and finally, you'll get a guy who will never let you go out with friends to dance or drink with your friends...EVER, unless he's with you....cause after all, he doesn't trust you and your his.

So you might be wondering why don't girls date the nice guy? Well, here are a few explanations (since many of the reasons seem to be misunderstandings) besides the obvious they don't know what they want. Commonly heard reasons (from websites for dating advice for women): 1. Fantasy: The nice guy won't fight for me. Reality: The nice guy is the only one who fights for YOU, the jerk fights for himself and his own gratifications (usually sexual). Remember, the jerk usually gets what he wants so he's become spoiled and self-centered. Also, just because a guy is nice doesn't mean he won't fight for you. I'll fight for any girl (even if I don't even know them) if for example, their boyfriend slaps them in a bar...I don't care how big he is or how many guys he's got with him, NO ONE DOES THAT AND GET'S AWAY WITH IT. I'm a big believer in the actual ideals of chivalry (Chivalry only degraded women when jerks took advantage of it and perverted it....the real ideals of chivalry elevated women above men making men servers of women...sometimes even causing men to die for the woman they represented (if a queen for example)) and that means I might have to fight for a woman. As the nice guy, I simply won't LOOK for a fight and I won't fight for myself. 2. Fantasy: The nice guy is only interested in being a friend, he can't be romantic. Reality: Wrong, the nice guy who many women complain to about their boyfriends usually would be honored to be your boyfriend, but the problem is you view them as "just a friend (also the ultimate bad wordage to shoot a guy down with)" First of all you should hardly ever have to complain about your boyfriend, and secondly, you should be complaining and telling your problems TO your boyfriend. 3. Fantasy: The nice guys aren't usually very physically attractive while the jerk is usually a hottie....I'm young, let me party. Reality: Well, the first part is true sadly :-(, but you're not that young from a relationship scheme of things...unless you want to have kids when your mom had me when she was 40, but my dad was only 30 and guess what, she was married before to an asshole who she divorced. Also, you only have your looks for so long (unless you've got really good genes and money for plastic surgery) and then what? You're married to an old crotchety douchebag (unless you divorce him). Why do you think the thing I'm attracted to the most in a girl I want to have a relationship with are eyes and other things that usually only get more beautiful with age (I'm not going to pretend to be the ultimate man and say I'm not attracted to other things that most guys are....I'm just trying to say that while these hold a special place in the relationship, to only look for those aspects means you want a sexually based relationship....there needs to be more than T&A in the girl) such as their personality? 4. Fantasy: The nice guy is too good for me. Reality: Only the girl knows if she's being truthful in this reason, but if the girl is really a good, nice girl and says this, she's still dead wrong. As a nice girl she's earned every right to a nice guy and she's welcome to take it. The "bitch" on the other hand will say this and not really mean it. What she means is that there is a (usually) physical failing and since they want the relationship to just be about sex they won't want him.....Nice guys don't want sex, they want a romantic relationship (quality not quantity). 5. Fantasy: The nice guy isn't a challenge. Reality: Why do you want a challenge? Is this a biological/hormonal mother's instinct that kicks in at this age? Once again realize the chances of a guy changing are astronomical so you're better off not wasting your life and emotions on the slime. If your reason is that you don't want to be too dependent on the guy, don't solve it by going to Mr. Moron, find some other way or have the good boyfriend help you somehow....but also realize that the guy is there FOR YOU....he expects you to be dependent because his job is to take care of you if you so desire.

Why am I talking about this again? Why do I constantly bring up crap like this? Because this is one area I'm missing.....and it's also the second most important area! What's most important in life? It isn't the PS2 or the N64, the ride or the crib, the money or the books, it's the relationships that we need to cherish. You can own everything and still be empty inside if you don't have interpersonal communication. Some of the happiest and fullfilled people you meet will be poorer people who have families and friends....and some of the saddest and most unfulfilled people you'll meet are ones who have sexual fulfillment and party a lot (i.e. have much). And after the relationship with God/Christ the most imporatant relationship is between a man and a woman in marriage. The connection between the two is more than physical and it transcends pure friendship (they are your "best friend"). They depend on each other in sickness and health, for richer and for poorer (not in tight jeans and shirts showing muscular seams, with bling and with beer) know, marriage vows. After marriage come friends and family. The people who you don't have a physical relationship with but who you can share your soul with are also very important to true fulfillment.

Perhaps the whole message of this is that material goods and sexual fullfillment aren't important, but they drive so many messages home that aren't right! This blog's title may have been taken from the voiced over G.I. Joe PSAs, but it actually means something here. I catch someone's emotions and feelings, gripes and complaints, and then I get overloaded with them that I want to pass them off, but lo and behold, the most important physical personality (girlfriend isn't there) and so I'm taken down and buried. Then a jerk comes along who's larger than I am (he's got more problems than I do emotionally, but he appears strong and confident) and then says the title and then hits me with his. I guess I was so mad and upset at others and then I realized that I was upset cause I always hear other people's problems but hardly ever let others know my problems (primarily because I don't think they would be interested or care). I invest so much in others with no payback that I'm bankrupt emotionally and so the logical thing would be to break friendship with people who don't repay this emotional exchange....but for once logic might be wrong in this regard....the right thing to do is to help out others who need help even though they may not give you anything (Jesus said give a man in need more than he asks and not ask or expect anything in return). As I told a friend last night....being the nice guy is the right thing to do, but no one ever said it was going to be easy.

Well, I know this has been long and I thank you from the depths of my soul if you finished it....have a good weekend and God bless.

Not so crapfullythis time


Anonymous Julia said...

"you get a guy who cheats on everything and does well enough to just skate on by" ... yep, been there. Pissed the hell out of me, too. Much happier now.

On the 'political aspect' that came up about abstinence vs safe sex classes, though, I beg to differ. Maybe it's just I go against like every statistic, because I also get mad at the stats that show kids whose parents divorced do poorly in school and don't adapt well socially. Anyway, while my opinion is that if you're going to have sex you should be able to research it like I did, and not be stupid about sex, but unfortunately a large part of the population is, apparently, significantly stupider than I am. With the abstinence program, all it seems to do is give the image that sex is bad (forgive me if I'm way off, I never had to take one of those classes, thank God) and therefore you are bad if you do it. I don't think that teaching kids how to put on a condom is encouraging sex, it's just showing them how to be safe should they choose to have sex. Thanks to abstinence programs, youth pregnancy is spiking like crazy.

Oh, and I think sex is only ok in a monagamous relationship, when people sleep around I get pissed, so maybe I'm just being idealistic about the population at large. Either way, slutty or no, they should know their options.

Er, I never wanted a guy to fight for I have no idea what you're talking about. I mean, like if I was with Tom and some other dude grabbed my ass I might be a little mad, but if Tom went nuts and tried to break a chair on his head (I sure hope this is not what you mean, but it's the image I have) then I'd be really pissed at him.

I myself love nice guys...though I freely admit I'm shallow and love muscle-y men, I just kind of lucked out there. :)

8:32 PM  

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