"And Who of You by Being Worried can Add A Single Hour to His Life?"

Hey everyone, I've got an apology for all of you. The last post was uncalled for. My basic message still stands, but I have more friends than I thought. I'm under a lot of stress. I don't really know what I want to do anymore after I graduate. Mom had total knee replacement surgery yesterday and due (hopefully) to the pain medication her heart rate dropped from 60bpm to 40 and started skipping beats. The doctors were bringing up the idea of a pacemaker again, and if this thing with her heart happened after a little bit of pain medication, I don't know what would happen if they did that. On top of it, Dad's kind of worrying me too. He gets stressed out real easily like me, and he can't handle stuff real well. On top of shitty work, this might be enough to give him a coronary.

I put the above title up for a few reasons. I have a story for you though. So, summer time I'm meeting with McG for dinner one night at Sterling Family Restaurant. I tell him I'm worried about where I can go to grad school, etc. He then says I shouldn't worry about such things and I kind of went off on him. He told me that it wasn't planning ahead, but constantly having it on my mind which was the problem. When I asked him who cared he asked me if I wanted to know what Christ said about worrying. He then quoted this to me (in Matthew). At the time I feigned like I really understood its meaning. Yeah, I thought it was about not worrying about basic things and the like. You never really understand what something means until you go through it. I've been hiding behind my desire for a relationship so much that I think Krystal was right, I was paralyzed by it. I let my past failures in high school rule me and as a result I looked to girls who I liked and fawned over them. The constant worrying about relationships and yet me not asking them out was killing me, it was literally eating me up inside. Coupled with the worrying about the future and stressful as usual school, I finally looked for an easy way out. I thought that Kim would be able to help me, a.k.a. "hook me up" with one of her single friends. Yes, I used her just as she used me. Neither of us really got anything out of it. In the end she didn't take any of my advice, and in the end I left empty. I kept thinking that while I'm in college it was my last hope for what I truly wanted.

So, why am I bringing this whole thing up? If you look at my previous posts you'll notice that I'm kind of ambiguous about who I liked (or if you knew you probably didn't think so ;-)). I guess I did this because I didn't know if they were reading this.....perhaps it was naieve of me to think so. In the end I'm positive they didn't, so I don't feel wrong in naming names now. For starters, I'm ready to put all of the relationship business behind me. I don't NEED a relationship in college....not because I shouldn't be happy with myself, but because in the end it will all work out for the best. I have friends, and in the end I'd rather have the girls I like as friends than anything else, and I want them to be happy. So, yesterday, I gave Nicole some flowers for her birthday. These weren't any flowers, they were expensive and meant to be both a birthday present and a type of going away present. I know that she blocked me from her AIM list because I kept asking her if she was okay. I felt betrayed that she had befriended Karen and Priya and stopped talking to me about her problems. I didn't have the right to feel that. All I want before I graduate is to patch the friendship between us to what it was last semester. That's it. I know she doesn't like me in that way, and she has her eyes on other individuals. It hurts, but if that's what she wants, it's not my place to step in.

Now, what else must I bring up. Thank you to everyone who helped me out with kind words, even when it was psychoanalysis which I DIDN'T want (ahem....Tony!). I guess I do have depression brought on by all this stress, but all the talk about seeing a shrink from some of my close friends here got me to thinking about this. No, I'm not seeing a shrink for this, that would be unAmerica (alright, a little humor). To all of you who read this, I apologize. I know I'm kind of an ass for writing it.....well, I'm a huge one. But I do know that in the end the only person I can depend upon is myself. I shouldn't put the burden of taking care of my problems on other people, especially if I don't talk about them. So, to all of you, I'm sorry. I'm truly and deeply sorry for what I've said. In order to work beyond this problem I've been working out at the gym every day, and I can't tell you how much my mind is off of women.....really. I feel good about myself because of it, and I'm not letting my problems with women paralyze me.

Please take a moment to think about this post. I'm not saying I"m completely cured, but I'm saying that I'm on the road to recovery. Please keep my parents in your prayers, and help me decide if I should go to grad school somewhere outside of Illinois, or go to Bradley and get an M.S. in biology while living at home with my parents for a few years....I am worried about them.