"And Who of You by Being Worried can Add A Single Hour to His Life?"

Hey everyone, I've got an apology for all of you. The last post was uncalled for. My basic message still stands, but I have more friends than I thought. I'm under a lot of stress. I don't really know what I want to do anymore after I graduate. Mom had total knee replacement surgery yesterday and due (hopefully) to the pain medication her heart rate dropped from 60bpm to 40 and started skipping beats. The doctors were bringing up the idea of a pacemaker again, and if this thing with her heart happened after a little bit of pain medication, I don't know what would happen if they did that. On top of it, Dad's kind of worrying me too. He gets stressed out real easily like me, and he can't handle stuff real well. On top of shitty work, this might be enough to give him a coronary.

I put the above title up for a few reasons. I have a story for you though. So, summer time I'm meeting with McG for dinner one night at Sterling Family Restaurant. I tell him I'm worried about where I can go to grad school, etc. He then says I shouldn't worry about such things and I kind of went off on him. He told me that it wasn't planning ahead, but constantly having it on my mind which was the problem. When I asked him who cared he asked me if I wanted to know what Christ said about worrying. He then quoted this to me (in Matthew). At the time I feigned like I really understood its meaning. Yeah, I thought it was about not worrying about basic things and the like. You never really understand what something means until you go through it. I've been hiding behind my desire for a relationship so much that I think Krystal was right, I was paralyzed by it. I let my past failures in high school rule me and as a result I looked to girls who I liked and fawned over them. The constant worrying about relationships and yet me not asking them out was killing me, it was literally eating me up inside. Coupled with the worrying about the future and stressful as usual school, I finally looked for an easy way out. I thought that Kim would be able to help me, a.k.a. "hook me up" with one of her single friends. Yes, I used her just as she used me. Neither of us really got anything out of it. In the end she didn't take any of my advice, and in the end I left empty. I kept thinking that while I'm in college it was my last hope for what I truly wanted.

So, why am I bringing this whole thing up? If you look at my previous posts you'll notice that I'm kind of ambiguous about who I liked (or if you knew you probably didn't think so ;-)). I guess I did this because I didn't know if they were reading this.....perhaps it was naieve of me to think so. In the end I'm positive they didn't, so I don't feel wrong in naming names now. For starters, I'm ready to put all of the relationship business behind me. I don't NEED a relationship in college....not because I shouldn't be happy with myself, but because in the end it will all work out for the best. I have friends, and in the end I'd rather have the girls I like as friends than anything else, and I want them to be happy. So, yesterday, I gave Nicole some flowers for her birthday. These weren't any flowers, they were expensive and meant to be both a birthday present and a type of going away present. I know that she blocked me from her AIM list because I kept asking her if she was okay. I felt betrayed that she had befriended Karen and Priya and stopped talking to me about her problems. I didn't have the right to feel that. All I want before I graduate is to patch the friendship between us to what it was last semester. That's it. I know she doesn't like me in that way, and she has her eyes on other individuals. It hurts, but if that's what she wants, it's not my place to step in.

Now, what else must I bring up. Thank you to everyone who helped me out with kind words, even when it was psychoanalysis which I DIDN'T want (ahem....Tony!). I guess I do have depression brought on by all this stress, but all the talk about seeing a shrink from some of my close friends here got me to thinking about this. No, I'm not seeing a shrink for this, that would be unAmerica (alright, a little humor). To all of you who read this, I apologize. I know I'm kind of an ass for writing it.....well, I'm a huge one. But I do know that in the end the only person I can depend upon is myself. I shouldn't put the burden of taking care of my problems on other people, especially if I don't talk about them. So, to all of you, I'm sorry. I'm truly and deeply sorry for what I've said. In order to work beyond this problem I've been working out at the gym every day, and I can't tell you how much my mind is off of women.....really. I feel good about myself because of it, and I'm not letting my problems with women paralyze me.

Please take a moment to think about this post. I'm not saying I"m completely cured, but I'm saying that I'm on the road to recovery. Please keep my parents in your prayers, and help me decide if I should go to grad school somewhere outside of Illinois, or go to Bradley and get an M.S. in biology while living at home with my parents for a few years....I am worried about them.

Alright, it's my blog, so if you doin't like what I'm going to say here, STOP READING IT!

Aight. I'm kinda pissed now. Why? Well, let me tell you why. I know who my real friends are....and they aren't many. Take what follows not as a bitching about girls so much as a bitching about people just not fucking "getting it" when it comes to psychoanalyzing me like they've already got a fucking PhD.

1. I am depressed.
2. I am lonely.
3. I feel used.
4. I am used.
5. Rather than help and deal with the fact that I got problems, most people want me to stop caring or mask the feelings or just not make them feel uncomfortable with my problems.
6. "Can I still use you for INSERT BENEFIT HERE. Oh, you wanted reciprocation...sorry, I don't do that. I'm poor and can't pay you for the gas money for the constant rides (hey, I guess I can give blowjobs for free gas!), I don't hook people up with friends....it's wierd but of course you have hot guy friends so it's okay to be a fucking hypocrite right? I have the delusions I'm happy in my current situation and I don't want to think that maybe seeing what you can't have all the time is hurting you (hey, don't....be happy you have something. Just stop prying into my business if you don't like what you find)." Date friends? You might actually meet a guy who doesn't beat the shit out of you.....that'd be logical and of course nearly all the women I know have no fucking logic (Lauren, you're an exception to this rule, thanks for the kind words you always have for me that don't involve hiding my problem deeper or changing my personality).
7. "Hey, it's late and you want to go to bed because you have a test tomorrow at 9am......but I REALLY WANT something that's going to involve hours away from campus......help me, you aren't important. Oh, you helped? Well, I guess I could force myself to have a good time with you when you're free, but my one or two things next week are going to keep me in....oh, you have two exams next Monday and you want to go out?" Why? Cause I work my ass off all week so one or two nights out won't hurt anything....that's why.
8. "Why would you want reciprocation? Don't expect much from people....they aren't really your friends. You don't like being used, stop INSERT BENEFIT GIVEN HERE and become a douche like every other guy." Um, no? Besides...I'm mad now and it seems my "friends" can only sit by and tell me to forget it or not to piss them off......wow, you fucking care about me don't you, you worthless wastes of space. Here's an idea....if you don't like me making comments about your personal life and you aren't going to help me out at all, don't say shit about mine?.....CAPICHE?
9. "Oh, you want sex, that's why you're so mad about being single.
Yes, project your own need to get an orgasm every night on me. Look, if it were sex I was upset about not having I'd buy a hooker and feverishly masterbate every chance I got. I wouldn't concentrate on the same girl(s) like a nice guy would. Not everything is sex so get it out of your evolutionary philosophy/psychology....you're wrong....stop trying to justify bad ideas as science.
10. I did try to forget about it. I forgot about the problem for three fucking years in early college and it came back last year with a vengance. That's usually a sign not to be repressing those feelings. I also just recently forgot about it, but constantly seeing it everywhere I go and hearing all my friends complain about it or their relationship problems or asking me to play Dr. Phil DOESN'T HELP WITH THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Jesus Christ people, I'm not a PAR guy who lives at PAR or CRU and has no idea of what the fuck goes on in the outside world. I'm much happier making over generalizations about people who go out or people who get drunk....they all think drinking will make them happy right? Yeah, I'm so happy when I'm drunk aren't I? I live in the outside world and it is there.

So here's what I need from you. A friend will read what has been said above and think about ways they can help out with any of the points. People who use it will get mad and think I've insulted their precious sensibilities are not friends. They are what is referred to in evolutionary ecology as "cheaters." They care about nothing but themselves. Every person is a stepping stone to greatness or a person with whom to ease burdens to you. I hope your happy when you realize your life is fucking meaningless and you have no friends. So.......how many friends do I still have? How many people've "got my back?" As I told someone over AIM last night....when all is said and done, I'm alone with my problems. PERIOD. No one ever offers to help or they invent some shitty excuse why they can't. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Stop wasting oxygen if you think that there's a magical friend out there who helps out with this.....they aren't here at U of I with me, they're at another college, or they've graduated. They've also been my friends the longest and they know I'd die for them and they'd die for me. That's what a friend does. When I do nice things for people, when I pay for you and you can't afford it, when I help you out with relationships it isn't out of some selfish reason, it's cause I care about you. I don't befriend people who I don't care about anymore than I can forget girls who don't recognize affection as being directed towards them or whatever. I do it because I'm generous with my feelings. I do it because I'm generous with my wealth. I do it because damnit it's the right thing to do. If I ever become a douchebag, if I ever break down and do something that you all hate in guys....it'll be because you never bothered to help when you had the chance.

So....are we still friends? Or do you want me to help you again and then vent at me over the post? Time will tell.

Later.